I worry about liking people too much.
I really do.
I worry about getting to attached, because I've been left so many times.
Just when I feel like I can really truly be myself with someone... they leave.
I'm not talking about romantic relationships. I'm just talking about everyday people, friends, people I talk to.
It has happened over and over and over again.
I especially have trouble trusting guys. Opening up to them.
I've lost so many of them, starting with three, count them THREE brothers.
Lies, court cases, mistakes, tears, yelling, gone.
It's happened over and over again throughout the years.
It happened again just this past September.
I had JUST started to feel like I could open up to him... I had been making a conscious effort to get over my ridiculous fears of trusting people. Just a few weeks earlier, I had sat with him on the beach, telling him how I was making myself talk to him about things. Personal, important things. About my past, about myself, about him. I told him that I was finally starting to feel like I could trust him, be honest with him, talk to him in a real way.
I sat there, picking up handfuls of sand and letting it trickle through my fingers, allowing myself to smile and laugh at the things he did.
Everyone else loved him. Everyone else trusted him. Everyone else was sure he'd stick around.
Everyone else was wrong. Completely and seriously wrong.
He screwed us over more than anyone else ever has.
Effing con man thug criminal A$$.
I feel though, or rather I sincerely hope, that all of this loss, all of this betrayal, all of these so called lapses of judgement will not create permanent damage.
I learn from it all.
I find it extremely hard to trust people,
but I'm working on it.
I really am.
I worry that I tell people too much too quickly... I think I do, in an effort to make myself to believe that they are trustworthy.
That habit needs to be tamed
but I need to start thinking better of the rest of the human race.
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3 comments:
You're blogs are quite sporadic and irregular. That may be the wrong word.
... I know.
I don't have many interesting things happen to me that need blogging about.
Well um... just a heads up, some people are trustworthy, they may be hard to find but they are there. And I hope you find somebody who is worthy of your trust.
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